another day closer

It sure has been a busy couple of days since the weekend.

Monday morning wasn’t one of my better days. I just didn’t want to get out of bed. Didn’t feel sick, wasn’t overly tired, just couldn’t be bothered getting up. Didn’t see the point. I just wanted to stay curled up, and cry a little. It got pretty boring pretty quickly though. By lunch time I had managed to convince myself that I was really not doing myself any good. That I would have a much better day if I got up and had a shower and something to eat. So I did, and I did feel a whole lot better. Good enough to go round to a friends place and have a beautiful dinner. We got to hang out with Rox and Jeff and their two beautiful children. I just love when I get to hold a small baby in my arms, and when it’s one of our best friends baby, and I get to call myself Aunty, I love it even more. Rob took along the video camera, which has been sadly underused over the last few years, and took some great footage of the kids. They grow up so quickly.

Rob went back to work on Tuesday for a bit, and the house was really quiet. Not because he makes a lot of noise when he is here, but just because it is so nice just having him here that when he isn’t I miss him. (pathetic, I know). So I decided to get out of the house, and had a lovely lunch and shopping expedition with Sash. I was running out of clothes that fit me, and had to go buy a belt and some skirts. I have now realized that Cancer does nothing to stop my desire to spend…… hmmmm, clothes….. Pity my shoe size hasn’t changed, or there would be shoes too!

A nurse from the cancer society came out to visit in the morning, and she bought more pamphlets (we have a lot of those now) and she was really cool. I get to go to this thing called look good, feel better. Basically a makeover and goody bag for women with cancer undergoing treatment. Such a great excuse to have a pampering session.

Wednesday was another appointment filled day, and another day dominated by pee.

It started with an 8am ultrasound (that requires a full bladder) to check on the IVF progress. Of course, despite drinking 4 cups of water before 8am, my bladder wasn’t quite full enough, so another cup and a cup of tea to get it all going. The IVF doesn’t look particularly hopeful at this point. I wasn’t as disappointed as I thought I would be however. So far I have made just one follicle (the bit that helps the egg develop) of a reasonable size, despite maximal IVF drugs, where they would normally be hoping for closer to 10. That one little follicle has a lot of pressure on it now. Maybe it will be the little follicle that could…… Time will tell.

After another blood test, we had our medical oncology appointment. The chemo adds about a 10% absolute benefit to the radiation (which is the main part of the treatment), but also adds to all of the radiation side effects. We got a good run down on those: nausea/vomiting/diarrhoea/fatigue/bone marrow suppression/loss of sensation in hands and feet/skin changes (similar to sunburn)/hearing loss/etc etc. I had to keep saying to the doctor (and lets be honest… to myself) well, if you have the side effects at least you are ALIVE. Isn’t that the whole point….

So during this appointment I was drinking a lot of water, so that I would have a full bladder for a simulation CT (to plan the radiotherapy) which was supposed to be at 2.30. Of course, me being me, I had practiced how much I needed to drink, and by when etc, so had it timed perfectly. I should have factored in public hospital delays…. By 3.20 when they did my scan I was pretty ready for a pee.

It’s when I have to undergo scans and procedures that I know I have cancer. The rest of the time I feel pretty good. But when I’m lying in a hospital gown, on a radiotherapy table, going through a CT scan, having radiation tattoo markers put on my body, I know it isn’t some big dream. I know its real, and I’m scared. And damn it I’m allowed to feel scared. I’m allowed to cry. I’m allowed to feel a little bit sorry for myself. And I’m allowed to get over it with a positive attitude, a bit of shopping and a hug and kiss from Rob.